When We Disagree

I remember a particularly intense argument I had with one of my best friends in college. David and I were both freshmen. The argument began as a discussion late at night during a study break. Our discussion gradually became more intense as we decided to walk down to the all night diner for a snack. By time we came back we had worked ourselves into a frenzy. It was now well after midnight. Without realizing it, we had raised our voices and were shouting at each other, trying to convince each other of the stupidity and wrongheadedness of each other’s opinion. We walked into the small college quadrangle surrounded by the dorms, by this time yelling at each other. One of our classmates shouted from a window for us to quiet down (or words to that effect, the exact phrasing would not be appropriate for a church service). I remember to this day, 40 years later now, how passionate I was. I remember the damp chill in the air. I remember how frustrated and angry I was that David, a truly brilliant student, was being such an idiot. I remember how sure I was that I was right. Heck, deep down I am still sure I was right.

What I cannot remember for the life of me is what we were arguing about. I am sure it was an issue of great philosophical and ethical importance. But I just cannot remember what the topic was, much less which position I took. It is just as well, for David and I are friends to this day.

I bet most of you have a similar story to tell. Even if you can remember more details than I can, I bet the vast majority of us can remember arguing passionately about something that doesn’t seem very important today.

I think of all the religious and political arguments in history that seem so silly today. I doubt anyone in here knows what the Arminian and Antinomian heresies were in Christianity, yet people have killed other people for such heresies.

Many of us can remember passionate and violent arguments among different groups of Communists. Not that many years ago Maoists were rooting out revisionists in China in the Cultural Revolution. And there were Leninists and Stalinists and Trotskyites and neo Marxists. Most of us don’t understand the differences between Sunni and Shiite Muslims that are causing such violence in Iraq.

When we look at the history of Protestant groups in America, what to us seem like tiny differences of opinion have been the source of one group separating from another. When we lived in Peru we knew two families of Baptist missionaries from America, each from a different Baptist sect. One of the missionaries explained to us that the two groups differed about what to us seemed like a hair splitting distinction over the correct practice of baptism. Arguments about the proper form of communion or baptism or the doctrine of predestination have split Protestant churches into dozens upon dozens of denominations. Imagine how bizarre and ridiculous the differences among Protestant denominations and sects must look to a foreign born Buddhist or Hindu.

When we get a little distance, many of our passionate arguments look crazy. Many are. The trouble is when we are inside an argument our opinions appear vitally important. We have no perspective.

How is it that we disagree so often and so intensely? How can we tell which disagreements really matter? Which differences of opinion are worth breaking up a relationship? Which, if any, opinions and beliefs are worth defending, even if it means violence or great sacrifice?

Disagreements are a normal and inevitable part of life. We cannot avoid differences of opinion. I think we can, however, do a much better job of understanding and handling our disagreements. And I believe our religious principles can guide us.

I believe we often disagree simply because life is full of uncertainty. We have to face decisions all the time without knowing what the consequences will be. Think of some of the individual choices we make. Should I take this job? Which school shall I attend? Where shall I live? Is this the person I want to spend my life with? We cannot know for certain what the right choice is.

When we have to make important choices with other people, these uncertainties are compounded. Families face uncertainty all the time. Do we move to another city to take a risky opportunity? Is this the time to move grandmother to a nursing home?

When we get to major public policy issues, the uncertainties multiply. Should we change Social Security to include personal investment accounts? From what I have read, I don’t think it is a good idea. But the truth is that I don’t know for sure and cannot know. Will changing the rules for public assistance help break the cycle of intergenerational poverty or simply inflict more hardship on the poor and powerless? I am personally deeply suspicious of much of what has been called welfare reform, but I also know that it is a complex matter and that the accurate prediction of consequences is maddeningly hard. Will charter schools improve education? Lots of people were convinced they would, but the data so far don’t support that view.

We are going to disagree sometimes even when we want the same outcome but believe that different paths will get us where we want to go. We also disagree sometimes when we face opposing values. Consider the emotional issue of abortion. Here we have two values in conflict. One value is that every life is precious and that the lives of defenseless unborn children should therefore be protected. The other value is that of personal conscience and individual self determination. They are both worthy values; they often conflict.

As a church community we will face choices that are less emotional, but very real. For example, as we continue to grow we will need to make careful choices about staffing. Should we expand our ability to care for each other with a pastoral care position? Should we instead emphasize our public witness and work for compassion in the community? We have lots of options to consider because there are a lot of good things we might be doing. Good and reasonable people are going to disagree.

You and I will never end disagreements in our lives so long as we think for our selves and we aspire to create a better future. We will disagree because we face tough choices and uncertainty. We will disagree because we will emphasize one value over another. We cannot avoid disagreement. What we can do is choose how we deal with disagreement. How you and I handle our disagreement will do much to determine how we move through our lives. The quality of our relationships with people we love, our relationships at work and school, our relationships in this beloved congregation will be shaped by how you and I deal with disagreement. The quality of our lives depends on how we disagree.

When we find ourselves in a disagreement I believe the first thing we need to remember is that you and I are not our opinions. You and I are much more than what we think. Our friends and loved ones are not their opinions. What binds us together in life is not that we share the same opinion. What binds us together are bonds of affection. What binds us together is what we aspire to become and the values we hold dear. Common memories of a shared life together hold us together. If we seek only to be with people who agree with us we will have no enduring relationships. Opinions come and go; they are phenomena of the mind. Our minds change. Every one of us in here today has changed our opinions over the years. If I haven’t changed my mind in the last ten or twenty years I am either incredibly rigid or I have been in a coma. When we find ourselves in disagreement we need to remember that our relationships are based on far more than intellectual concurrence. Our relationships are based on affection, memory and hope.

We also need to practice careful listening when we disagree. This is not easy. When I was in my shouting match with my friend 40 years ago I was not practicing deep listening. I was listening for weaknesses I could exploit with a devastatingly clever reply. Had I listened openly and with care I would have heard the person I came to know better, a person who is deeply committed to acting ethically and to careful reasoning. I would have heard the voice of a person who shares my values. We need to hear more than the other person’s arguments. We need to hear the the person who is behind the argument—the person who has hopes, fears, feels pain and who probably shares most of our values.

Let me add parenthetically that we can only fully engage another human being face to face. One of the scourges of our time are disagreements that escalate wildly on e-mail. When we see only the argument and not the person who holds it, we lose all perspective and write things we would never say (or should never say) in a face to face meeting. I just saw this happen a couple of weeks ago on a ministers’ chat group to which I belong. I read in dismay as gentle colleagues got terribly snippy with each other. When we disagree let’s talk about it face to face if we can, over the phone if we can’t meet, but almost never via e-mail. If you must e-mail, try this test: before hitting the “send” button say what you wrote out loud, imagining you are looking into the face of the person to whom you are addressing it. If you are writing in anger late at night don’t send it right away; read your missive again in the morning before you fire it off.

I also find it helpful to remember that there is a fundamental distinction between an interest and a position. This is a key distinction for mediators and negotiators. A position is a way to serve an interest. A position I take is a means to some other end. For example, I can take the position that I should have the last orange in the house. I want to eat the orange. My wife might take the position that she should have the orange. We have opposing positions, but, it turns out, not opposing interests. She does not want to eat it, she wants to use the orange peel for a dessert recipe. If we argue only about who should have the orange we will never see that we can both have our interests met by the same orange. When we get ourselves locked into a position we can be blind to other ways of meeting our needs. Our opinions are like positions. Often there are other ways of serving our values than the one way we have latched on to. Only when we loosen our grip on our opinion can we see other possibilities. We can get so caught up in winning a dispute that we don’t see that there are other options.

The vast majority of the disagreements we will face in life can be resolved. They are not worth ending relationships or escalating conflict. However, a few cannot be resolved. For example, here in our church community we can be a religious home for people with different opinions and beliefs. Agnostics and theists can be faithful to the same fundamental principles of compassion, human dignity and humility before the wonder of creation. We have room for people who are politically conservative and politically liberal. Yet there are limits. This is not a place for those believing in a vengeful God who has predestined the vast majority of humanity for eternal torment. If that is what you want in a religious home you can get that down the street. We can have different political opinions, but this is not a place for those who advocate slavery, racism, or the plunder of the planet. Some disagreements cannot be resolved. Some disagreements are not about different means to an end, but about contradictory ends. We can strive to live in peace with people who advocate such things, but we cannot pretend that we share their values.

Happily, we rarely face differences that cannot be reconciled. Most of our disagreements are like the shouting match I had with my friend David. Seen from the perspective of a lifetime, most of our disputes are of little importance.

We can overcome our differences and even learn from them. We need to loosen our grip on our own opinion. We need to listen from the heart to the other person, preferably in a face to face conversation. We must look for common interests and common values. We must seek options that are win/win.

When we disagree we must remind ourselves that we do not know all the answers. We need to cherish our doubts.

Most importantly, when we disagree we must remember that the other person is like us. The other person is seeking a life filled with love, joy, and meaning. Everyone in here wants such a life, a life lived in blessed community with others, a life that offers peace and harmony.

Our time on earth is brief. Our lives are fragile. Our time is too brief to be consumed by senseless discord.

When we disagree, as we will from time to time, let us be guided by the most loving and the most wise part of our being. Let us remember that we need not think alike to love alike. When we are guided by affection and compassion our disagreements pale in importance. When we are guided by affection, compassion and our hopes for the future nothing can divide us. May we make it so.

Amen.